Tag: Mental illness

Entry #22: Speechless

One of the sign that I thought was due to depression was lack of communication or not talking, at all. Ever since I was a teenager, there were time where I don’t feel like talking at all. Opening my mouth seems like a lot of work. So, I just keep quiet until I feel like talking. Back then, I thought this is due to my depression. Why? At the same time, I feel demotivated, want to be alone, isolating myself from other, refuse to go to school and emotionless. The funny thing about that, there is no depressed or sad word on that list.

Back then, I can go days without talking to anyone. Not now though. Now I can go weeks or months with speaking a single word to anyone. If I need to tell something to someone, most probably my family, I just texted them. It’s annoying huh? Trust me. It ain’t fun for me either.

Entry #21: Rambling Some Nonsense

I have no particular topic in mind but I feel like doing some writing in this blog. Well, ever since my diagnosis changed from bipolar disorder to schizophrenia, everything seems different. My feeling, my mood, my way of thinking and etc. Accepting that I’m have bipolar was really hard. The process took not days or weeks, but years. Just when I fully accepted that I have bipolar, it was all wrong. Hallucinations and delusions starting to make sense. I never thought that I have those two before, but after I freaked out while having hallucinations, I’m starting to read about it. 

Yup, bipolar does have hallucination if their having psychotic symptoms. That was what I thought I had until I read about delusional. I’m starting to connect the dots. Plus, how can it be mood disorder if the hallucinations and delusions started months before I’m started to have depression? It was weird. As I saw more videos explaining the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, it’s like someone hit me with a brick at my head. Duh! It all make sense. Not talking at all for months, no facial expression for months, isolation from people (when I was in pre-university, I stayed at an empty room at an empty block so I dont have to meet people), etc. I didnt talk for months, so my family was really concern and agree for me to have ECT. That and depression, of course.

It’s weird. Really weird. I was ready to be an advocate for bipolar disorder but it turns out to be a lie. I’m schizophrenic, and I dont have bipolar disorder. I idolized Boltzmann and Carrie Fisher because they had bipolar disorder too, but now, it’s all crumbled apart. Life never give me a break. I’m just a pawn or a toy to be play around with.

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Entry #17: Suicide = Selfish

Suicide. A word with different meaning to different person. Selfish. A cowardly act. Begging for attention. Unforgivable sin. Will burn in hell fire. Those are the words that I heard over the years. I attended an Islamic school for 11 years. I kept hearing the same thing over and over again: whomever commit suicide will burn in hell. Little that they know, I’m suicidal since I was 14.

I have attempted suicide for few times over the years. It’s not that many, but still I couldn’t really recalled each one of them. Why did I did it? Why did I tried to kill myself? I’m healthy and have a great family. But why I wanted to die? Am I selfish? Am I coward? Do I want to go to hell? The answer is no! I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to exist. I want the pain to stop! I want the voice in my head to stop controlling my mind.

Imagine that you have someone that always next to you and whisper things to you. Things like what you should feel, what you should do, how useless you are, how no one ever love you, you better off dead and etc. Imagine that that someone is in your head and never stop whispering negative thoughts. You try to sleep so it can stop but you can’t fall asleep as the whispering won’t shut the f up. When you do fall asleep, sometimes it manage to woke you up in the middle of the night.

It feel like a demon lives in your head. You try to fight it or ignore it. But when you hear the same things over and over again, you start to believe the lies it have been feeding you. How useless you are. How nothing matters. As you believe it, your heart breaks. Your mind is exhausted from fighting  the demon in your head. When the demon managed to convince you a bit by a bit, then it told you the only way out is death. 

Yes, by death the suffering and pain will be gone. But you refused to agree with that idea. It’s idiotic and you don’t want to die yet. But somehow, the demon managed to convince you to do it. You will pray to God to took your life away, but that is not how its work. In my experience, I never plan to do it. The sudden urge to kill myself will just popped in, and if I’m not lucky, unconsciously, I will try to kill myself.

Do you like cakes or chocolates? Imagine that you are on diet and cakes or chocolates is a big no-no in your diet. Then suddenly someone serve you a chocolate cake that you have been craving for months. Feel that temptation to eat the cake? Now, multiply the temptation or urge by 10. That is how suicide urges feel like. When you have the urge, rational thinking is quite impossible to do. Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep fighting the urge.

I remember my first suicide attempt. I was 14 or 15. I was having a shower, then suddenly I started to cry. I picked up a rubber hose and wrapped it around my neck tiedly until I can’t breathe. Suddenly, just before I passed out, the faces of my love ones flashes in front of me. So, I opened my arms and let go of the hose. I was crying while trying to catch my breathe. I never planned that. It just happen in few seconds.

Honestly, I have a few suicide plans. Like overdosing on medications or stab myself in the stomach or hitting my head with a hammer. But I never succeeded in killing myself because of my family. I don’t want my pain to end just to start a new pain for them. But sometimes, I don’t think about that and just go ahead and try to kill myself. But I never succeeded, which I have a mixed feeling about it.

I know what I’m writing here is something that doesn’t make sense to most of you, but you won’t know until you’ve been through it. Stop passing judgement on people that kill their self or suicidal person. You are not walking on the same road as they are.

I’ve been suicidal for the past few months, but I’m still here. Everytime I managed to not to kill myself, I won a battle. It sounds stupid for most people, but it’s not to use.