Entry #21: Rambling Some Nonsense

I have no particular topic in mind but I feel like doing some writing in this blog. Well, ever since my diagnosis changed from bipolar disorder to schizophrenia, everything seems different. My feeling, my mood, my way of thinking and etc. Accepting that I’m have bipolar was really hard. The process took not days or weeks, but years. Just when I fully accepted that I have bipolar, it was all wrong. Hallucinations and delusions starting to make sense. I never thought that I have those two before, but after I freaked out while having hallucinations, I’m starting to read about it. 

Yup, bipolar does have hallucination if their having psychotic symptoms. That was what I thought I had until I read about delusional. I’m starting to connect the dots. Plus, how can it be mood disorder if the hallucinations and delusions started months before I’m started to have depression? It was weird. As I saw more videos explaining the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, it’s like someone hit me with a brick at my head. Duh! It all make sense. Not talking at all for months, no facial expression for months, isolation from people (when I was in pre-university, I stayed at an empty room at an empty block so I dont have to meet people), etc. I didnt talk for months, so my family was really concern and agree for me to have ECT. That and depression, of course.

It’s weird. Really weird. I was ready to be an advocate for bipolar disorder but it turns out to be a lie. I’m schizophrenic, and I dont have bipolar disorder. I idolized Boltzmann and Carrie Fisher because they had bipolar disorder too, but now, it’s all crumbled apart. Life never give me a break. I’m just a pawn or a toy to be play around with.



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