Entry #19: Ghosts

The past few weeks have been a strange and weird time of my life. I saw ghost. Yup. You read that right. Also, I heard two voices but no one was around. Nah. It’s not a superpower as both freak me out. But that is not the weird thing. Somehow, I got the feeling that I saw and heard this ghosts before. As you know, ECT took most of my memories, so I can’t tell right away why all of this seems so familiar.

Few days after that, piece by piece of the ghosts’ memories returned. That was not the first time I saw this ghost and heard those voices. It goes way back to when I was 14. I freaked out and decided to google on it. It was hallucinations. A psychotic symptom as in psychosis. My heart feel like about to explode. I keep on telling myself that I’m not psychotic, then I saw another symptoms: delusional. Wait, what? I never been delusional before. 

I’m perfectly sane and never been day dreaming before. Then, it suddenly hit me. It was the time when I lived in Kuala Lumpur. I rented this room, quite comfortable room and apartment, for 1-2 months. All I can remember was I moved out in a rush as I thought that my housemate was trying to put poison in my drinks. I lost my deposit on the room. Then I have to crashed at my bestfriend’s house. To think about it, it was weird of me to think something like that. So, I texted my bestfriend to find out what really happen. From what he knows, which is almost everything, I had a dispute with my housemate and that’s it.

Then I started to doubt everything that happen to me. I have lashed out at so many people for something they said or done, or maybe what I thought that have said and done. These people including family members, relatives, friends and students.

I keep on reading and it said it might be a psychosis episode, where it happen during full blown mania or major depression. That’s weird. I know that I seen the ghost a month before I’m starting to feel depressed. And I saw it multiple times, including the noises. Then I stumbled into two psychotic disorder called Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder, a disorder that I really really do not want and I think it’s a crazy disorder.

After advices from some of my friends in my bipolar support group, I told my psychiatrist about all these. From the hallucinations to delusions and the fact that I have psychogenic polydipsia. He was surprised that I never mention this before. Hey, so do I. I thought it was some ghosts.

After a long talk, he said I does not have bipolar disorder, the disorder I have tried to make peace with for the last 8-10 years. It’s most probably Schizoaffective disorder, but he need some time to study back my case and history.

So, there you go. From Dysthymia to Major Depression Disorder to Bipolar Disorder Type 1 to Schizoaffective Disorder. Just when you thought you are at your lowest point, it turns out, I was way wrong. Just when I was about to pick myself up, then a huge blow again on me, which make me fall even deeper. Yup. That’s my life. It could be my mathematics abilities that came back, but no, not that easy. At least, not for me. Pathetic.


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