I wasn’t a good student. I never study for exam and I rarely do my homework. Lazy AF. The reason why I was good in Math is that I can “see” the answer or the equation. Maybe it’s a hallucination or delusion from my mental illness, but I always think that is my superpower. For example, if someone asked me to add two numbers, I can see the number or answer in front of me. That’s the reason why I don’t really use calculator to do calculation.
Not only on a simple Math calculations, but I also can discretized a differential equation just by looking at the equation. Since the answer appear for awhile and I have terrible short term memory, I have to write it down. Hey, I can even solve an equation in my sleep. In some physics problems, I can see/visualized how the system works.
I can be considered as quite good in computer programming. When I see a code with an error, I managed to find the error as the error with changed color into red. I know most people also experience these, but I like to think that I’m special because I can do all of these with this superpower of mine. My superpower managed to help me become a PhD candidate eventhough I’m not that smart.
I’m proud of my so-called “superpower”. After I had ECT, I was having memory problems, I can’t balance my body when I’m standing or walking, etc. I decided to see a neurologist. My psychiatrist said the memory problems is just temporary. So, I didn’t worry too much on that. So the neurologist conducted a cognitive test on me. Then he asked me to add two numbers. Just a two one-digit numbers. My mind went blank. No number appear in front of me. I can’t the number anywhere. Then my vision became blurry due to my tears. I know ECT have consequences, but I never thought it would take away my superpower.
Few months have passed, I’m still having those problems. I’m suffering more than prior ECT. I lost my superpower, the one thing that made me feel special. It’s gone. I don’t know whether it’s gone forever, but everyday I woke up hoping that I gain the superpower back. Waiting for an uncertain thing is a nightmare.