Entry #3: Hospitalization & Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT)

Due to my suicide attempt, my psychiatrist decided that I should consider hospitalization and ECT. I was hesitated, then he increased my Lithium dosage. However, I had a terrible side effects. My family started to concern about me. Then, that time I’ve stared to consider my psychiatrist’s suggestions.

Since my family having doubt about ECT, I brought them to talk to my psychiatrist. After talking to him, my family agreed for me to have ECT. I was admitted to the mental hospital straight away. The hospital ward was horrible. It’s a huge depressing hall cramped with beds. Don’t get me started with the food. For dinner, they served us with rice, hard boiled egg, and chopped vegetables soup. That’s it. Just when I finish having my lunch, my family came to visit. My parent burst into tears seeing the conditions there. I couldn’t help it but cry as I dont want to be there.

I was really bored at the ward as nothing to do. Luckily I asked my parent to bring a book to read. So I spend my time reading the book (Stephen Hawking’s A brief time of history). Hard to focus on what I was reading, but at least I have something to kill my time. Then I went to bed early as I have nothing to do.

As I woke up the next morning, I starting to realized that the time for ECT have come. Had my shower and waiting my turn. The ECT room was next to my bed. So, I see people in and out from the room. It was scary to see when the left the room with a empty stares. It looks like they just lost their mind. I’m staring to get anxious. Then my turn came. I was asked to lay down on a bed in a room full of people. They starting to put some stuff on my head and chest, then I went unconscious.

Then some one woke me up. I had a massive headache. I couldn’t remember who I was and where I am. They tried to explain to me what just happened, but non of it make sense to me. I started to cry uncontrollably and the escorted me to my bed. Seeing my stuff, it seems familiar. Then my dad came. In my mind, I know this person. He’s someone important to me. Then it hit me that he’s my father.

He then started to explained a bit to me what happened, and then my mom came. I can’t stop crying. I’m still figuring out what exactly happen. I said I want to go home, and my parent informed the staffs. The panel of doctors called me to see my condition. Some of the faces are familiar but I couldn’t recalled. They agreed to let me go as long as I agree to come back for 3-5 more ECT sessions.

I have no idea what happen for the past few weeks. When my mom handed me my phone, I was puzzled by the messages and Facebook notifications. Slowly, memory started to restore itself. I feel less depressed than before. Although the massive headache still here at this very moment, but I do glad that I went through ECT. I hope I can go back to school and continue my PhD. After 2 months without hope, self worth, smile and laughter, I am finally getting better. Maybe not 100%, but at least there is some progress.

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