Entry #2: The latest Suicide Attempt 

Hi

I’ve been in major depression episode for 2 months now. The first month was manageable. However, it’s started to get worst as days goes by. I can’t even do my research and think clearly. I can do some daily routine like shower or eat or drive etc, but that just it. I became emotionally numb till the point I can’t feel anything except the pain in my heart. I wasn’t able to talk, or laugh, or smile. To talk to someone, I have to force myself really hard. I just stay at home and do nothing for 3 weeks. I only communicate electronically such as text or facebook. After 3 weeks on Lithium, I started to talk again. Not much and also by forced, better than before.

Since my conditions are really terrible, my family decided to stay at a hotel on New Year’s eve. Just to relax and spend some time with each other. 3 hours before 2017, I was alone in my room. Suddenly, I have the strong urge to jump off the building. In my mind, that’s the only logical thing I can think about. As I try to ignore it, the urges getting stronger and stronger. It’s all I can think about. So, I tried to open the room’s window. Then it hits me that hotel’s window can’t be open, which is sh*tty. I tried to forced open it, but still shut close.

The urge is still there and I started to think how do I get to the hotel’s rooftop. I was really determined. Then the bell of my room rang, it was my 7 years old niece and my 5 years old nephew from next door. They came to play in my room. I let them in, and they excitedly play. I just keep quiet and watched them play. For the whole night, I kept the urge under control and it’s bothering me a lot. Then I took a sleeping pill and go to bed.

It was anticlimactic night. Till this day, I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or disappointed. I was really wanted to jump off that building. It seems like it’s the only answer.

AA

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