Entry #22: Speechless

One of the sign that I thought was due to depression was lack of communication or not talking, at all. Ever since I was a teenager, there were time where I don’t feel like talking at all. Opening my mouth seems like a lot of work. So, I just keep quiet until I feel like talking. Back then, I thought this is due to my depression. Why? At the same time, I feel demotivated, want to be alone, isolating myself from other, refuse to go to school and emotionless. The funny thing about that, there is no depressed or sad word on that list.

Back then, I can go days without talking to anyone. Not now though. Now I can go weeks or months with speaking a single word to anyone. If I need to tell something to someone, most probably my family, I just texted them. It’s annoying huh? Trust me. It ain’t fun for me either.

Entry #21: Rambling Some Nonsense

I have no particular topic in mind but I feel like doing some writing in this blog. Well, ever since my diagnosis changed from bipolar disorder to schizophrenia, everything seems different. My feeling, my mood, my way of thinking and etc. Accepting that I’m have bipolar was really hard. The process took not days or weeks, but years. Just when I fully accepted that I have bipolar, it was all wrong. Hallucinations and delusions starting to make sense. I never thought that I have those two before, but after I freaked out while having hallucinations, I’m starting to read about it. 

Yup, bipolar does have hallucination if their having psychotic symptoms. That was what I thought I had until I read about delusional. I’m starting to connect the dots. Plus, how can it be mood disorder if the hallucinations and delusions started months before I’m started to have depression? It was weird. As I saw more videos explaining the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, it’s like someone hit me with a brick at my head. Duh! It all make sense. Not talking at all for months, no facial expression for months, isolation from people (when I was in pre-university, I stayed at an empty room at an empty block so I dont have to meet people), etc. I didnt talk for months, so my family was really concern and agree for me to have ECT. That and depression, of course.

It’s weird. Really weird. I was ready to be an advocate for bipolar disorder but it turns out to be a lie. I’m schizophrenic, and I dont have bipolar disorder. I idolized Boltzmann and Carrie Fisher because they had bipolar disorder too, but now, it’s all crumbled apart. Life never give me a break. I’m just a pawn or a toy to be play around with.

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Entry #20: Misdiagnosed, again!

One word that a psychiatric patient usually heard in their entire treatment: misdiagnosed. Misdiagnosed happen when a doctor diagnosed a patient that do not meet the criteria of the illness. Sorry for stating the obvious, but some may not understand this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not entire the psychiatrist fault. In fact, most of it due to patients inability to share their symptoms to their psychiatrist. Maybe they are embarrassed by it or didn’t know that it’s a symptom or have absolutely no clue on what is going on.

As for me, I’ve been diagnosed and awarded with several titles in my psychiatric life. Before I went to a psychiatry clinic, I went to see plenty of doctors including endocrinologist, neurologist, urologist etc. After the ruled out a physical illness, they said I need to go to see a psychiatrist, which I didn’t do right away. Me? Crazy? Hell no! Denial! I didn’t seek any treatment from any psychiatry or mental hospital after that.

So, I live my life without thinking there is something off with me, mentally. Well, not until I burst into uncontrolable tears in front of my whole company’s staff! Seriously, that was one of the most embarrassing thing ever happen to me. I can feel all the eyes were looking at me and judging me. Then, my journey to find out what is wrong with me began. It’s an unpleasant journey, I must say.

I’ve been diagnosed 4 times, which mean the first 3 diagnosed were misdiagnosed. From Dysthymia to Major Depression Disorder to Bipolar Disorder, and now Schizophrenia. It was a emotional rollercoaster for me. You see, after being diagnosed, a person (at least for me) will go through several phases until they come to fully acceptance of their diagnosis. From denial to anger to depression, etc until he/she come to fully acceptance. It may sound nothing but it doesn’t happen in few days. Some people took years to accept their diagnosis.

I have made peace that I have bipolar disorder for years. Nah, my life never that easy. Apparently I’m schizophrenic. Which is another level of mental illness. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, but schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder. Psychotic! WTF! After all these years, I finally found the answer to what caused my diabetes insipidus. It turns out to be primary polydipsia, which happen to some people with schizophrenia.

Now, I have to repeat the whole processes all over again. Honestly, I’m tired of it. It’s hard. Really hard! But I guess I have no choice.

P/S: I have to change the title of this blog as I was living a lie as a bipolar person.

Entry #19: Ghosts

The past few weeks have been a strange and weird time of my life. I saw ghost. Yup. You read that right. Also, I heard two voices but no one was around. Nah. It’s not a superpower as both freak me out. But that is not the weird thing. Somehow, I got the feeling that I saw and heard this ghosts before. As you know, ECT took most of my memories, so I can’t tell right away why all of this seems so familiar.

Few days after that, piece by piece of the ghosts’ memories returned. That was not the first time I saw this ghost and heard those voices. It goes way back to when I was 14. I freaked out and decided to google on it. It was hallucinations. A psychotic symptom as in psychosis. My heart feel like about to explode. I keep on telling myself that I’m not psychotic, then I saw another symptoms: delusional. Wait, what? I never been delusional before. 

I’m perfectly sane and never been day dreaming before. Then, it suddenly hit me. It was the time when I lived in Kuala Lumpur. I rented this room, quite comfortable room and apartment, for 1-2 months. All I can remember was I moved out in a rush as I thought that my housemate was trying to put poison in my drinks. I lost my deposit on the room. Then I have to crashed at my bestfriend’s house. To think about it, it was weird of me to think something like that. So, I texted my bestfriend to find out what really happen. From what he knows, which is almost everything, I had a dispute with my housemate and that’s it.

Then I started to doubt everything that happen to me. I have lashed out at so many people for something they said or done, or maybe what I thought that have said and done. These people including family members, relatives, friends and students.

I keep on reading and it said it might be a psychosis episode, where it happen during full blown mania or major depression. That’s weird. I know that I seen the ghost a month before I’m starting to feel depressed. And I saw it multiple times, including the noises. Then I stumbled into two psychotic disorder called Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder, a disorder that I really really do not want and I think it’s a crazy disorder.

After advices from some of my friends in my bipolar support group, I told my psychiatrist about all these. From the hallucinations to delusions and the fact that I have psychogenic polydipsia. He was surprised that I never mention this before. Hey, so do I. I thought it was some ghosts.

After a long talk, he said I does not have bipolar disorder, the disorder I have tried to make peace with for the last 8-10 years. It’s most probably Schizoaffective disorder, but he need some time to study back my case and history.

So, there you go. From Dysthymia to Major Depression Disorder to Bipolar Disorder Type 1 to Schizoaffective Disorder. Just when you thought you are at your lowest point, it turns out, I was way wrong. Just when I was about to pick myself up, then a huge blow again on me, which make me fall even deeper. Yup. That’s my life. It could be my mathematics abilities that came back, but no, not that easy. At least, not for me. Pathetic.

Supernerd and His Kryptonite 

I wasn’t a good student. I never study for exam and I rarely do my homework. Lazy AF. The reason why I was good in Math is that I can “see” the answer or the equation. Maybe it’s a hallucination or delusion from my mental illness, but I always think that is my superpower. For example, if someone asked me to add two numbers, I can see the number or answer in front of me. That’s the reason why I don’t really use calculator to do calculation. 

Not only on a simple Math calculations, but I also can discretized a differential equation just by looking at the equation. Since the answer appear for awhile and I have terrible short term memory, I have to write it down. Hey, I can even solve an equation in my sleep. In some physics problems, I can see/visualized how the system works.

I can be considered as quite good in computer programming. When I see a code with an error, I managed to find the error as the error with changed color into red. I know most people also experience these, but I like to think that I’m special because I can do all of these with this superpower of mine. My superpower managed to help me become a PhD candidate eventhough I’m not that smart.

I’m proud of my so-called “superpower”. After I had ECT, I was having memory problems, I can’t balance my body when I’m standing or walking, etc. I decided to see a neurologist. My psychiatrist said the memory problems is just temporary. So, I didn’t worry too much on that. So the neurologist conducted a cognitive test on me. Then he asked me to add two numbers. Just a two one-digit numbers. My mind went blank. No number appear in front of me. I can’t the number anywhere. Then my vision became blurry due to my tears. I know ECT have consequences, but I never thought it would take away my superpower.

Few months have passed, I’m still having those problems. I’m suffering more than prior ECT. I lost my superpower, the one thing that made me feel special. It’s gone. I don’t know whether it’s gone forever, but everyday I woke up hoping that I gain the superpower back. Waiting for an uncertain thing is a nightmare.

When I was a kid, I have no dream when I’m growing up. The only think I want is to die at the age of early 20’s. I dont know why, but I did. At the age of 14, I’m starting to show symptoms of depression, polyuria and polydipsia. Crying myself to sleep was my routine every single night.
Everyone noticed that I’ve changed, but did nothing about it. The same year, my grandma, the love of my life, the one who helped in raising me, felt sick. A tragedy that add more thing to be depressed about.
I managed to live my life as a teenager despite the depression and suicidal thought. Yes, I live it, but like a zombie. Growing up, I never want to get married as I don’t want to burden anyone. So, I never have a girlfriend. 
Although I’m suck in life, but I’m gifted in Mathematics. I never did any revision for exam, but I will manage to get a good grades. So, while waiting for me to die at the age of early 20’s, I dedicated my life in Math. I’m not extremely good at it, but I do if I put more effort in learning.
When early 20’s came, I didn’t die, but my grandma did. So, basically, I’m dead from the inside too. I started working as a Math lecturer, but only stayed for a year and a half. Then I pursue my master degree. At the same time, I’m started to take medications for my mental illness. 
It was crazy. Having a full blown manic is crazy. I spend all my saving on craps. It took mek 4-5 years to finish a 2 years course.

Entry #17: Suicide = Selfish

Suicide. A word with different meaning to different person. Selfish. A cowardly act. Begging for attention. Unforgivable sin. Will burn in hell fire. Those are the words that I heard over the years. I attended an Islamic school for 11 years. I kept hearing the same thing over and over again: whomever commit suicide will burn in hell. Little that they know, I’m suicidal since I was 14.

I have attempted suicide for few times over the years. It’s not that many, but still I couldn’t really recalled each one of them. Why did I did it? Why did I tried to kill myself? I’m healthy and have a great family. But why I wanted to die? Am I selfish? Am I coward? Do I want to go to hell? The answer is no! I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to exist. I want the pain to stop! I want the voice in my head to stop controlling my mind.

Imagine that you have someone that always next to you and whisper things to you. Things like what you should feel, what you should do, how useless you are, how no one ever love you, you better off dead and etc. Imagine that that someone is in your head and never stop whispering negative thoughts. You try to sleep so it can stop but you can’t fall asleep as the whispering won’t shut the f up. When you do fall asleep, sometimes it manage to woke you up in the middle of the night.

It feel like a demon lives in your head. You try to fight it or ignore it. But when you hear the same things over and over again, you start to believe the lies it have been feeding you. How useless you are. How nothing matters. As you believe it, your heart breaks. Your mind is exhausted from fighting  the demon in your head. When the demon managed to convince you a bit by a bit, then it told you the only way out is death. 

Yes, by death the suffering and pain will be gone. But you refused to agree with that idea. It’s idiotic and you don’t want to die yet. But somehow, the demon managed to convince you to do it. You will pray to God to took your life away, but that is not how its work. In my experience, I never plan to do it. The sudden urge to kill myself will just popped in, and if I’m not lucky, unconsciously, I will try to kill myself.

Do you like cakes or chocolates? Imagine that you are on diet and cakes or chocolates is a big no-no in your diet. Then suddenly someone serve you a chocolate cake that you have been craving for months. Feel that temptation to eat the cake? Now, multiply the temptation or urge by 10. That is how suicide urges feel like. When you have the urge, rational thinking is quite impossible to do. Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep fighting the urge.

I remember my first suicide attempt. I was 14 or 15. I was having a shower, then suddenly I started to cry. I picked up a rubber hose and wrapped it around my neck tiedly until I can’t breathe. Suddenly, just before I passed out, the faces of my love ones flashes in front of me. So, I opened my arms and let go of the hose. I was crying while trying to catch my breathe. I never planned that. It just happen in few seconds.

Honestly, I have a few suicide plans. Like overdosing on medications or stab myself in the stomach or hitting my head with a hammer. But I never succeeded in killing myself because of my family. I don’t want my pain to end just to start a new pain for them. But sometimes, I don’t think about that and just go ahead and try to kill myself. But I never succeeded, which I have a mixed feeling about it.

I know what I’m writing here is something that doesn’t make sense to most of you, but you won’t know until you’ve been through it. Stop passing judgement on people that kill their self or suicidal person. You are not walking on the same road as they are.

I’ve been suicidal for the past few months, but I’m still here. Everytime I managed to not to kill myself, I won a battle. It sounds stupid for most people, but it’s not to use.